The Fallen Guardian Angel

SPOILER WARNING: Do not read unless you've at least read through Grego's War in "Xenocide" by Orson Scott Card.

"Novinha, please." Ender reached out for her, but she pulled away from him.

"No! You don't get to call me that. I am Ivanova to you, Speaker, just as I was when you first arrived. Or, if you'd prefer, Senhora Ribeira. I would much rather be Marcão's widow than your wife. At least with him my children were safe. They may have seemed broken, but they were safe. They were whole.

"You were supposed to forget the rest of the world, the rest of the universe, when you married me. Your job was just to keep me and my children safe, that was all the more I asked of you than I asked Marcão. And yet you couldn't even do the job stupid Cão could manage! Protecting a dozen people was much too complicated in its simplicity.

"Marcão was a brute, but he was at least kind enough to never raise a hand to my children. He may have hated each one, but he had the decency to keep them protected. With you, though, you convince people that you're kind and protecting, and yet with you in their lives my children are stolen from me.

"Because of you, Miro nearly died crossing the fence, and has to not only live with brain damage, but also out of time with the rest of his family. Because of you, my sweet Estevão went out to the pequeninos in the first place. Because of you, he went to that forest and was killed! I saw how painful and devastating the descolada could be, not you! You have no clue the pain my son felt as he died helpless, all because you let him go! Where were you when my sons needed a protector? That was your job! You were supposed to protect us, or at least stand by me as I protected my children! Was something as simple as standing by your wife's side too hard for the Speaker?

"Worst yet, even your inaction has consequences. Due to your inability to keep us safe Grego was thrown in jail, possibly for the rest of his life; which could very well only be a few more months because of the fleet aimed at us. Another thing to thank you for!

"Speaker for the Dead: a man filled with compassion and empathy, and lacking in any judgement. A man I thought I could love and who could love us back."

"I do love you! How can you not know how much I love you and your kids? All of you are my everything. You have been since I met you. I have loved you since you called me to Lusitania. I saw myself in you, and I loved you. I saw the same pain in your heart, and I wanted to heal it."

"So the last thirty years was you loving a personification of your pain? That was all I was to you? A way of healing yourself by trying to heal me and my broken family?"

"No! I loved you. I truly loved you. I needed to see you, be with you, comfort you. I gave up my sister, my only family, my only constant, my only rock. I gave up meeting and knowing her children so I could instead meet and love yours. I gave up all I had, and I'd gladly do so again. That's how much I love you.

"I'm sorry tragedy still strikes this family, and you may be right. I could be the cause of a lot of it. Perhaps I wasn't the father or husband you needed after all, but I did what I could and what seemed best at the time. I'm sorry that I'm human after all. I'm sorry that I'm capable of making mistakes. I wish I could have protected you all better.

"But you love a person through the good and the bad. With the tragedy of Quim's death we need to mourn together. To help each other with the burden of our grief. None of us could do that for Grego, and that is why he's in jail. It wasn't because I don't care. It could never be because I don't care. I love you too much. I need you too much. I care for our children too much."

"Mine! Not yours! They are my children, and always have. You may have lived with us for a while, but they were never your children! You can't swoop in after the hardest work is done and claim them as yours. You didn't earn that! My broken family proves how little you did to earn the right to call my family yours!"

Ender didn't bother attempting to restrain his tears. Not in front of her. After the pain he caused Novinha because of Jane, he couldn't keep anything else from his wife. She cut him deep, and she needed to know how deep. Although he guessed she already knew. She had meant it; she gladly and expertly wielded the knife. Still, he told himself, it's just her grief; she knows how much I love her and the kids. At least, he hoped that was true. If after three decades he truly was just an outsider still, then he had no idea how to continue on. How can a marriage be saved when the husband was never thought of as family?

Novinha's face stayed hardened, her body ridged. His weeping had no effect on her cold shell. She simply nodded acknowledgement that he conceded defeat in this argument. Without another word she slid behind Dona Cristã, who gently closed the door on Ender.

The only thing Ender was thankful for was that Jane learned to pick up on the sensitivity of a moment, and hadn't interrupted his grief. Either that, or she was preoccupied elsewhere. Either way, Jane remained silent in his ear. He was alone. Completely alone. He had lost a son, his wife, and possibly the fact that he ever had a family to lose at all.